This being the symmetrical date of 1/1/11, I figured it was high time I offered to share some of my inspiring insights with the world at large. And what better way than offering sage advice to the masses of impulsive idlers, love-lorn lackwits, and the rest of the grammatically-challenged neanderthals that comprise the downtrodden denizens of the internet. I have opinions and they should be heard.
About me. Mythologies have arisen and rumors have spread about my early life and shadowy past. The fact is, I was sewn in a sweat shop, unceremoniously packed into a crate with a bunch of dullard dolls, and put on display in a most undignified manner at some small-town toy shop. Fortunately, I was recognized for who I am by an unusually alert human and given a clean (if questionably-appointed) home with a couple of musicians. Life isn’t too bad. I mostly sleep, watch movies, and mess about on the internet when my people aren’t around.
For those egoists out there who think I was named after you, think again. I was named after a famous entertainer, whose last name is a household word in some elevated circles, and of whom Uncle Dave Macon famously inquired, “You’re not a bit funny, are you?”
Movies are my passion and everything I didn’t learn on the internet, I absorbed through unblinking eyes watching movies as a nightly ritual. My goal in life is to be a famous film critic. But my people are just plain slothful about bringing home the sawbucks, and they had to cancel my Netflix subscription just when things were getting good. I took over as their manager to improve the overall financial outlook but everyone knows it’s just plain stupid to try to make a living as a musician, especially now when everyone thinks music is free to download at will.
What makes me so smart? Well, for one thing, I was sewn that way. Just take one look at my incredibly photogenic mug and you’ll see that the wisdom of the ages fairly emanates from my every seam. Besides, I have spent endless hours watching movies, seeing every conceivable plot situation featuring the greatest actors of all time pouring heart and soul into their interpretations; Astaire & Rogers, Bogart, Bergman, Cooper, Grant, Fudd, Marx, Dumont, Oyl and Boop.
One prevailing theme arises from the work of these great artists, and that is man’s inhumanity to monk. I’m here to help you with that. Why? Because I’m a sock monkey, and things just aren’t that complicated for me.